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renrenren3I just saw The Three Musketeers. I'd say best 11€ I spent in a long time, but that's not technically true since I didn't pay for the tickets. Dad drove us since I hate driving, and when we got to the cinema he asked me if I had any money. He does this all the time, idk if he really thinks he raised such a moron. Once I was leaving on a field trip and he asked me if I had packed underwear. In front of my classmates. Anyway, this time I decided to go the sarcasm route and went all OH NOES I HAVE NO MONEY I GUESS I SHALL HAVE TO BEG FOR MONEY TO BUY TICKETS. So he bought tickets for me and my sister. I feel oddly guilty about this since idk if he got the sarcasm.
I have read the book about a dozen times, I used to love it. I also loved the film, even though it's nothing like the book. Well, maybe a bit, the names are similar and there's some borrowed plot elements. It starts in Venice, which is already a big wtf moment because WTF ARE YOU DOING IN VENICE. ARE YOU MAYBE LOST, PARIS IS OVER THERE, I THINK YOU SHOULD BE IN PARIS. In Venice there's Athos and Aramis who are ninjas. Porthos is also in Venice but he's more of a bruiser. And there's Milady acting all lovey with Athos and idk why Athos didn't push her in the river since it was obvious that she was going to backstab him. The musketeers are doing some kind of mission impossible to steal a Macguffin. There's a very Indiana Jones scene with a corridor that's been booby trapped and they're all OH NOES WHAT DO WE DO NOW. Then Milady just runs along the corridor and outruns all the spiked maces or whatever and I don't think she was running very fast, what with her dress and those high heels, I think I could have done that too. So much for booby traps. Then the musketeers steal the Macguffin, which is the plans for Leonardo Da Vinci's flying airships, and then Milady poisons them and steals the plans. DUN DUN DUUUN. She's actually allied with the Duke of Orlando Bloom. Who has got fabulous clothes, I must say, but then again everyone in this film has fabulous clothes. I want those clothes, and also the swords. And also the flying ship.
Anyway, one year later in France. There's some dude called d'Artagnan who looks like a hobbit, he does stuff, I don't really care about him. He meets Rochefort, who's the guy with the eyepatch, and his horse gets insulted so he challenges Rochefort to a duel. Instead, Rochefort shoots him, proving that not all villains are stupid. But then sadly Milady arrives and tells Rochefort not to kill the stupid kid. Then d'Artagnan goes to Paris and bumps into Athos, literally, and then he's a rude jerkass and doesn't apologize so Athos challenges him to a duel. Then he also bumps into Porthos and another duel. Then he doesn't bump into Aramis, but Aramis was giving him a fine because d'Artagnan's horse shat in public. I have no idea why Aramis is the 17th century equivalent of a traffic warden but he was kinda awesome. But d'Artagnan is a shmuck and challenges Aramis to a duel too. So d'Artagnan has got three duels with the tree most badass people ever. Unluckily they can't duel him because the cardinal's guards show up and they're annoying, so d'Artagnan and the musketeers duel with the guards instead, and it's all very 3D. Then there's this bit with a girl who's d'Artagnan's love interest or smth, she's kind of annoying.
Then there's the king. OMG KING LOUIS XIV, BEST EVER. He's a complete moron, but has a fabulous wardrobe. The cardinal wants him to punish the musketeers, but instead the king becomes buddy buddy with d'Artagnan and decides that they deserve a reward for beating up the cardinal's guards. So he gives them new clothes because EVERYONE MUST BE AS FABULOUS AS HIM. (The cardinal isn't too happy about this.) Me and my sis decided that the king and d'Artagnan are totally le bros, which is the French equivalent of bros. Then the musketeers decide that d'Artagnan is their new roommate. Basically in this adaptation they all live together and get drunk together all the time. WHERE'S ALL THE FANFICTION. WHERE'S THE COLLEGE!AU FANFICTION. Also their servants have been merged into a single servant, which is Craig, the father of Stormageddon, which is awesome.
Also I have to point out that Aramis looks a lot like Will Turner from PoTC, so transitively he looks like Legolas, so since d'Artagnan is a hobbit, Porthos is Gimli and Athos is Aragorn. They go on a mission to retrieve the One Necklace, which Milady has stolen and there's all a plot to make it look like the Duke of Orlando Buckingham and the queen are lovers. I maybe should have mentioned that Milady DUN DUN DUUUN is actually working for Cardinal Richelieu, not Buckingham. The king hates Buckingham because Buckingham is more fabulous that he is. And also the king is worried that the queen doesn't love him, even though she totally does, idk why since the king is a moron. Albeit a loveable one, I'll admit. I think she's mostly worried that her husband is gay, and I don't blame her since some of the king's dialogue with d'Artagnan can be misconstrued, and will be if I ever write fic for this fandom. Where was I. Oh, yes, the necklace. So in this one Buckingham's a jerk and idk how he knows the queen, since he mentioned meeting her once before the start of the film, but they don't seem on good terms. LOL IDK. The plot isn't really important.
The important bit is that the four musketeers need to go to England. D'Artagnan's love interest tells him to go, and he lists a series of very good reasons why it's suicide and they shouldn't go and what's in there for them anyway. So the girl kisses him and he's all YEAH WE SHOULD GO, LET'S GO NOW. Dude is a bit too desperate to get laid, if you ask me. Anyway, they go to London and steal a flying ship and blow up the Tower of London and also blow up Buckingham, but it's fine because he's not really dead. (I almost wrote "blow Buckingham" there. In my defence, the following exchange takes place. Milady tells Buckingham that Athos and the others are coming. Buckingham asks her what does Athos want. Milady says "ME. YOU". THEN SHE AND BUCKHINGHAM MAKE OUT. I GIVE UP, MY BRAIN DEFAULTS TO THREESOMES AT THIS POINT.) Milady escaped and has the One Necklace because DUN DUN DUUUN Milady is on nobody's side but Milady's, but Athos outsmarts her. So he's got Milady at gunpoint, but she jumps out of the flying ship and into the Channel.
Then Rochefort tries to shoot down the ship before the musketeers reach Paris. Really idk why they're musketeers, they're the only musketeers in all of Paris. Athos mentioned budget cuts earlier but did they cut allllll of the musketeers, that's drastic man. Especially considered they're like ninjas while the cardinal's guards graduated from the Imperial Stormtrooper Academy of Marksmanship. They have this huge black ship twice as big as the musketeer's and still can't manage to win. In the end they crash the ship over Notre Dame. All the time I was like DUDE WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FLYING THAT SHIP and my sister was like CHILL, IT'S JUST NOTRE DAME. Anyway. Our hobbit d'Artagnan duels Rochefort and kills him AND TAKES A DAMN LONG TIME, GEE, ARAMIS WOULD HAVE ALREADY SKEWERED HIM AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE GONE FOR A DRINK AND WOULD HAVE ALREADY CAUSED A RIOT IN THE TAVERN IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO PUSH ROCHEFORT OFF THE ROOF.
Then the musketeers deliver the flying ship to the king, by which I mean that they crash it into the king's garden, but the king is happy because the queen is finally giving him the time of the day again, so he's hoping to get laid before his 30th birthday. Happy for him. Then they all go for a drink or smth and there's one last scene with Buckingham who says I'M NOT DEAD YET and it seems he's talking to the audience but really he's talking to Milady, who's also alive because... idk, she fell off a flying ship for thousands of metres, but I guess we need her for the sequel. Because it totally looks like a sequel hook.
Anyway, as I said, great film as long as you don't take any of it seriously.
I have read the book about a dozen times, I used to love it. I also loved the film, even though it's nothing like the book. Well, maybe a bit, the names are similar and there's some borrowed plot elements. It starts in Venice, which is already a big wtf moment because WTF ARE YOU DOING IN VENICE. ARE YOU MAYBE LOST, PARIS IS OVER THERE, I THINK YOU SHOULD BE IN PARIS. In Venice there's Athos and Aramis who are ninjas. Porthos is also in Venice but he's more of a bruiser. And there's Milady acting all lovey with Athos and idk why Athos didn't push her in the river since it was obvious that she was going to backstab him. The musketeers are doing some kind of mission impossible to steal a Macguffin. There's a very Indiana Jones scene with a corridor that's been booby trapped and they're all OH NOES WHAT DO WE DO NOW. Then Milady just runs along the corridor and outruns all the spiked maces or whatever and I don't think she was running very fast, what with her dress and those high heels, I think I could have done that too. So much for booby traps. Then the musketeers steal the Macguffin, which is the plans for Leonardo Da Vinci's flying airships, and then Milady poisons them and steals the plans. DUN DUN DUUUN. She's actually allied with the Duke of Orlando Bloom. Who has got fabulous clothes, I must say, but then again everyone in this film has fabulous clothes. I want those clothes, and also the swords. And also the flying ship.
Anyway, one year later in France. There's some dude called d'Artagnan who looks like a hobbit, he does stuff, I don't really care about him. He meets Rochefort, who's the guy with the eyepatch, and his horse gets insulted so he challenges Rochefort to a duel. Instead, Rochefort shoots him, proving that not all villains are stupid. But then sadly Milady arrives and tells Rochefort not to kill the stupid kid. Then d'Artagnan goes to Paris and bumps into Athos, literally, and then he's a rude jerkass and doesn't apologize so Athos challenges him to a duel. Then he also bumps into Porthos and another duel. Then he doesn't bump into Aramis, but Aramis was giving him a fine because d'Artagnan's horse shat in public. I have no idea why Aramis is the 17th century equivalent of a traffic warden but he was kinda awesome. But d'Artagnan is a shmuck and challenges Aramis to a duel too. So d'Artagnan has got three duels with the tree most badass people ever. Unluckily they can't duel him because the cardinal's guards show up and they're annoying, so d'Artagnan and the musketeers duel with the guards instead, and it's all very 3D. Then there's this bit with a girl who's d'Artagnan's love interest or smth, she's kind of annoying.
Then there's the king. OMG KING LOUIS XIV, BEST EVER. He's a complete moron, but has a fabulous wardrobe. The cardinal wants him to punish the musketeers, but instead the king becomes buddy buddy with d'Artagnan and decides that they deserve a reward for beating up the cardinal's guards. So he gives them new clothes because EVERYONE MUST BE AS FABULOUS AS HIM. (The cardinal isn't too happy about this.) Me and my sis decided that the king and d'Artagnan are totally le bros, which is the French equivalent of bros. Then the musketeers decide that d'Artagnan is their new roommate. Basically in this adaptation they all live together and get drunk together all the time. WHERE'S ALL THE FANFICTION. WHERE'S THE COLLEGE!AU FANFICTION. Also their servants have been merged into a single servant, which is Craig, the father of Stormageddon, which is awesome.
Also I have to point out that Aramis looks a lot like Will Turner from PoTC, so transitively he looks like Legolas, so since d'Artagnan is a hobbit, Porthos is Gimli and Athos is Aragorn. They go on a mission to retrieve the One Necklace, which Milady has stolen and there's all a plot to make it look like the Duke of Orlando Buckingham and the queen are lovers. I maybe should have mentioned that Milady DUN DUN DUUUN is actually working for Cardinal Richelieu, not Buckingham. The king hates Buckingham because Buckingham is more fabulous that he is. And also the king is worried that the queen doesn't love him, even though she totally does, idk why since the king is a moron. Albeit a loveable one, I'll admit. I think she's mostly worried that her husband is gay, and I don't blame her since some of the king's dialogue with d'Artagnan can be misconstrued, and will be if I ever write fic for this fandom. Where was I. Oh, yes, the necklace. So in this one Buckingham's a jerk and idk how he knows the queen, since he mentioned meeting her once before the start of the film, but they don't seem on good terms. LOL IDK. The plot isn't really important.
The important bit is that the four musketeers need to go to England. D'Artagnan's love interest tells him to go, and he lists a series of very good reasons why it's suicide and they shouldn't go and what's in there for them anyway. So the girl kisses him and he's all YEAH WE SHOULD GO, LET'S GO NOW. Dude is a bit too desperate to get laid, if you ask me. Anyway, they go to London and steal a flying ship and blow up the Tower of London and also blow up Buckingham, but it's fine because he's not really dead. (I almost wrote "blow Buckingham" there. In my defence, the following exchange takes place. Milady tells Buckingham that Athos and the others are coming. Buckingham asks her what does Athos want. Milady says "ME. YOU". THEN SHE AND BUCKHINGHAM MAKE OUT. I GIVE UP, MY BRAIN DEFAULTS TO THREESOMES AT THIS POINT.) Milady escaped and has the One Necklace because DUN DUN DUUUN Milady is on nobody's side but Milady's, but Athos outsmarts her. So he's got Milady at gunpoint, but she jumps out of the flying ship and into the Channel.
Then Rochefort tries to shoot down the ship before the musketeers reach Paris. Really idk why they're musketeers, they're the only musketeers in all of Paris. Athos mentioned budget cuts earlier but did they cut allllll of the musketeers, that's drastic man. Especially considered they're like ninjas while the cardinal's guards graduated from the Imperial Stormtrooper Academy of Marksmanship. They have this huge black ship twice as big as the musketeer's and still can't manage to win. In the end they crash the ship over Notre Dame. All the time I was like DUDE WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FLYING THAT SHIP and my sister was like CHILL, IT'S JUST NOTRE DAME. Anyway. Our hobbit d'Artagnan duels Rochefort and kills him AND TAKES A DAMN LONG TIME, GEE, ARAMIS WOULD HAVE ALREADY SKEWERED HIM AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE GONE FOR A DRINK AND WOULD HAVE ALREADY CAUSED A RIOT IN THE TAVERN IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO PUSH ROCHEFORT OFF THE ROOF.
Then the musketeers deliver the flying ship to the king, by which I mean that they crash it into the king's garden, but the king is happy because the queen is finally giving him the time of the day again, so he's hoping to get laid before his 30th birthday. Happy for him. Then they all go for a drink or smth and there's one last scene with Buckingham who says I'M NOT DEAD YET and it seems he's talking to the audience but really he's talking to Milady, who's also alive because... idk, she fell off a flying ship for thousands of metres, but I guess we need her for the sequel. Because it totally looks like a sequel hook.
Anyway, as I said, great film as long as you don't take any of it seriously.
